Introduction: Sovereign Nation

[Pre-Theme. Bob V.O.: Tonight's Mr. Show is filmed at a cabin in the woods. It's our cabin. It's our property. Leave us alone.]

[Theme.]

[Mary-Lynn: Hey everybody, it's Bob and David!]

Bob: Thank you very much! Welcome to Mr. Show. I am Bob Odenkirk.

David: And I'm David Cross.

Bob: And...thank you, thank you. We have an interesting show for you tonight. David? You're not backing down on me, are ya?

David: No way, Bob.

Both: Com tata mim miata. (?)

Bob: One country, one nation...

Both: ...one singular sensation!

David: That's right. As of tonight, we are no longer party to the de facto corporate prostitute calling itself the "United" States.

[Bob whips out and holds up a Mr. Show flag--red and white stripes like the U.S. flag and in place of stars is the Mr. Show symbol.]

Bob: Mr. Show is a sovereign nation!

David: We are a sovereign nation!

Both: Yeah!!

[As Bob talks, David runs to a coat rack on the side of the stage; he's seen in the background of the frame putting on a beer belly, a flannel shirt, and a beard.]

Bob: Okay. Alright. This is gonna to be a lot of fun now. The FBI has surrounded the building. And, uh, we've got some great scenes. And we've got a stockpile of food and Bibles that should last about three weeks. That's if we go easy on the Bibles, I think you know what I mean. Oh, another thing--if you're gonna go outside and talk to the FBI or the Jew run media, do us all a big favor, okay, and wear a beard and a beer belly, just like David's puttin' on here. Okay, now we don't have enough bellies for everyone, so we're asking you guys to...drink beer, DYI, do-it-yourself. That's our motto, you know.

David: Okay, and I will be a spokesman for the group and I *promise* I will not be unruly and I will not listen to reason. Okay, you know, those are just--

[Jill drags in the limp body of Tom.]

Bob: Jill! Jill! Oh my God! What happened?

Jill: They shot Tom! Bob, David, they shot Tom! Why?!

David: Jill, tell us exactly what happened.

Jill: Tom was just shooting at them, and they shot Tom. Why?!

David: [He slaps on an untamed wig as if it were a hat] I'm going out there!

Bob: David!

[David stops and turns around.]

Bob: [after a pause] Do. Go.

Mountain Dougie (Part 1)

[Transition: David cocks his rifle and exits the cabin.]

David: Get off my land! Get off my property! [cocks his gun again] Leave me alone! [His dog jumps off of a recliner and runs back toward the house.] Liberal, Jew run media! [Kicks down a sign that says, "T.V. Taping in Progress."] HBO--Hebrew Box Office. Y'all leave me!

Peterson Family News

Cast:

• David- Brinx

• Bob- Harmon Peterson

[Pan out to Bob. Caption: Harmon Peterson. KPFN]

Bob: That's the scene here on Day 16 of the Mr. Showdown. The facts remain as they have from the beginning. Very little has changed. We're still waiting for information from either side. All we know is that Federal agents have surrounded this remote cabin. No word on how many people may be involved, or what their demands might be. There is a total news black out. It's a tense and un-changing situation. Brinx?

David: [as Brinx, back in the news studio] Harmon? This is Brinx. How much longer do you think they can hold out?

Bob: I don't know that. We have no new information. I just can't say.

David: Can you take a guess?

Bob: At this time, that would be premature.

David: [pause] Harmon? This is Brinx. How about a guesstimate?

Bob: Okay, you want me to guess? A hundred million days, or maybe ten more minutes...somewhere in there. I just can't say. Don't know.

David: What do you know, though, for sure?

[Pause. No reply.]

David: Harmon? This is Brinx, now I've been--

Bob: I know! I know. I know. Look, what do you want?

David: Are the Federal agents planning on using force?

Bob: I don't know!! Maybe this tree knows! Tree, excuse me, can you predict the future for me? [holds the mic to the tree for a second] No? Can I check back with you every two minutes, for sixteen days? [pause] Great! Thanks! Look! When I say there's no information that means there's no new information! I'm not trying to hide anything on you, okay?!

David: [pause] You didn't tell me about that party.

Bob: This is a national news story!! That was a bris! It wasn't even a party.

David: [sarcastic] Okay, well, I guess that's different, then. Okay, fine.

Bob: Okay, good! Goodbye! Thanks. You don't check back with me again.

David: Don't wait for it, cuz maybe I won't. Who knows, maybe I won't.

Bob: Good!! I'm glad!

David: Good, I'm glad, too!

Bob: Good, I'm glad for you!

David: Well, I'm gladder than...you are.

[Bob walks off, disgusted.]

David: Man, that guy is unbelievable. Well, there's your news. I'm Brinx Peterson and this has been the Peterson Family Newscast--Trying to get the news to you without making a big production out of it. We leave you tonight with that footage of that thrilling miracle from Sao Paulo, Brazil--The spitting Madonna.

[The clip is of a Madonna statue spitting, more like drooling. Mary-Lynn clings to it, kissing it.]

[Cut to clip of the Pipe Smoking Apostle, in Grovers Corners, Mexico. Smoke is coming out of the pipe and those around it are praying.]

[Cut to clip of the Miraculous Money Eating Madonna, in Rome, Italy. People are stuffing folded bills into it's mouth.]

[Transition: Cut to clip newsclip in the similar style of the others--the Miracle Cloth, in Hollywood, California. From that the graphic "Thrilling Miracles" appears on the screen.]

Thrilling Miracles

Cast:

[In the program's opening, several clips pass by the screen of past products:
"Miracle Cream!" David is squeezing a thick cream on to Jill's arm.
"Fabu-Leg!" Jill and David show off a prosethic leg.
"Magi-Collar!" Bob is with David, who is wearing a clown collar.
"Buddy Board!" Bob and David on a see-saw.
"Miracle Powder!" Jill is with David, who is snorting cocaine.
"A Pillow Fight!" between Bob and David.]

Tom V.O.: [over the clips] You're watching Thrilling Miracles, the show that brings you the latest scientific and technological breakthroughs. Now here's your host, Pat Franks!

[David runs through the crowd, high-fiving his way to the stage. David, Bob, and Jill are all enthusiastic and chipper. David wears a sweater, glasses, and wig; he looks like any and every infomercial host. Jill wears a long, flower print dress and blond wig, and looks and acts remarkably like the "Nancy" that pops up on many informericals. Bob, wears thick eyebrows, stripped shirt, bowtie, and suspenders, and looks as insane as he acts. With something resembling a Liverpool accent, he does a frightfully accurate portrayal of the British guy who hocked cookware and has probably since been deported back to the U.K.]

David: Oh! Hey! How are ya?! Hey! Oh boy! Thanks for coming down! Oh boy, do we have a thrilling miracle for you tonight! Ladies, are you sick and tired of constantly cleaning all those pots and pans? And what about all the space they take up? And what about all the noise they make? "It's too loud." Well, tonight, we have a solution! [crowd applauds] Now, let's meet our resident homemaker, Nancy Gumfrey!

[Jill enters to applause.]

Jill: Hi! Ha ha. Oh! Hi Pat, I'm really excited about today's new miracle.

David: Oh Nancy, you're gonna love it! Now, let's say "hello" to our excitable new friend from across the ocean, Ernie!

[Bob makes his enterance by sliding backwards into the room. Crowd applauds.]

David: Oh, my!

Bob: 'ello, 'ello, Pat! Good to meet you, Nancy. Are you ready to hear about the most exciting breakthru in kitchen technology in this century? [crowd applauds] It's the pan-tastic new 8-in-1 Superpan!

David: Well, Ernie, Nancy, I had an opportunity to meet the pan backstage and I can't wait for you to show it to Nancy! [Jill giggles] Now, I'll be back in about 10 minutes--I gotta go take a crap!

[David leaves.]

Jill and Bob: Bye bye! [crowd applauds and Jill giggles]

Bob: He's gone now, Nancy. Now it's just you, me, and the pan. [Jill looks a little ill-at-ease.] Nancy, come over here! [He pulls her to a counter that has a bunch of different pans on it.] Look at all these pans, Nancy!

Jill: Wow, oh!

Bob: Look at this one, we got the sauce pan for hubby. Oh, and a fry pan for granny. And a boiler pot for Auntie Sue. And the pans won't shut up!

Jill: Wow, there's so many!

Bob: That's right. That's exactly right! Nancy, you're so smart! Now, it's time to throw them all away because [he wheels out a covered display] look what I got right here.

Jill: Wow, what's this?

Bob: [deadly serious. sighs] What are you doing?

Jill: The Superpan. The Superpan.

Bob: [mimics her, whiny] "The Superpan. The Superpan." I thought I said it was time to throw the old pans away! I'm not sure, did I? Yes, I did. Maybe she just doesn't listen! [pause] Throw them away!!

[She goes back to the counter and puts takes off each pan. As she does so, Bob continues.]

Bob: [enthusiastic again] Do you want to meet the Superpan? [crowd applauds. He reveals the pan from under the cover] Look at this folks! The Superpan was developed by astronauts who quit the space program to devote their lives to developing pans! It bakes, it boils, it fries, it broughs, it breks, it froils, and it bribles!

Jill: Wow!

[croud applauds]

Bob: And the best part of it all, the best part of it all, Nancy do me a huuuge favor--

Jill: Okay.

Bob: [holds it up to their ears] Shhh. Listen. Quiet as a churchmouse. It's not telling you what to do!

Jill: Pans don't tell you what to do!

[Bob bops her on the head with it, she screams, and he pulls her over to the stove, it has two pans sitting on burners.]

Bob: Don't worry about that, Nancy. Come along with me! Look at what we've got here. I've got a Superpan that has been heating up on the stove for over *nine* hours.

Jill: Wow.

Bob: I'd say that's pretty hot!

Jill: Yeah.

Bob: But do me a favor, put your hand in it.

Jill: [slight pause] It's hot, though.

Bob: How do you know if it's hot, if you haven't touched it?

Jill: [giggles] Seems like it would be. [giggles again.]

Bob: Do you want to see her touch the pan? [crowd "yeahs!"] Yes, you do! C'mon, do it! [Jill is *very* hesitant] C'mon, Nancy. C'mon girl. C'mon.

[She slowly start to bring her hand to it, when Bob grabs her hand and forces it to the pan. She screams. Bob wipes her hand with his.]

Bob: Oh, Nancy! The Superpan is not magical, it will burn you.

[Jill still sobbing and mumbling.]

Bob: You shouldn't listen to crowds and you shouldn't listen to pans.

[Jill has just about calmed down.]

Bob: Look at what we've got here! Another Superpan! This one's burning with milk! No one likes burnt milk, do they?

Jill: I don't think so.

Bob: Do they?

Jill: I don't think so.

Bob: Do they?

Jill: I don't think so.

Bob: Do they?

Jill: I don't think so.

Bob: Let's find out!

[He flips the milk into her face. She screams and covers her face. As she sobs, he spins her around, then claps his hands as if it were a dance move.]

Bob: [drops his accent] Sh-sh-shh. That man's gone now. That man's gone now. That's okay. Shh, he's gone, what happened to you?

Jill: [mumbling] I don't know, the Superpan--

Bob: [imitates her] Ah ah ah, you're not making any sense. Oh my God, Nancy. Oh, if only you could see what I hear. Upon the night, betwixt earth and flesh, the grinding of souls whispers a tale of how the dead do dance.

[He kisses her forcefully, and she is still mumbling and sobbing. David re-enters.]

David: Ernie!!

Bob: [to Jill] Be smart.

David: How's it goin'?!

Bob: [accent back] Pat, I've been busy telling Nancy all about the super quiet Superpan.

David: Grreat!

[David grabs Jill by the burnt hand, she again screams out. He leads her to the front of the stage.]

David: Nancy, would you say that it makes work in the kitchen a lot easier?

Jill: [mumbles unintelligibly]

David: [serious] Nancy, what happened to you?

Jill: I fell down the stairs!

Bob: [nods his head] Pat, it's true; she fell down the stairs. She's clumsy.

David: Ernie. Ernie, come over here.

Bob: What is it, Pat?

David: Over here.

Bob: I am here.

David: Right here! And bring the pan.

[He does so.]

Bob: Pat, she didn't believe me when I said the pan was super. She-she said pans talk to her.

[David grabs the pan out of his hand; Bob looks shocked and nervous.]

David: Shut up, Ernie!! Oh, pan, pan, what are we gonna do? You were out here, you saw everything. What do you think we should do with Ernie? Hmm? [puts the pan up to his ear]

Bob: Pans don't talk.

David: Shut shut shut shut. Oh-oh, okay. Ernie, the pan wants a kiss.

Bob: Oh, pans don't want kisses.

David: [cutely, like he was talking to a child] Yes it does, kiss the pan. Kiss it. Kiss it. Kiss the pan.

[Bob goes to do so, but David whacks him over the head with it.]

David: The pan kisses you!! Kiss the pan!

Bob: I don't want to.

David: Kiss the pan! [whack] The pan kisses you!! Kiss the pan! Kiss the pan!! [whack] The pan kisses you!! Kiss the pan!

Bob: Nancy, c'mon, we've got to get away! Fly!

[Bob jumps out the window on the side of the set. Jills mumbling and sobbing, she doesn't know what to do.]

David: Kiss it!

[Cut to Bob in front of a chroma-key screen; he has a cartoony sky behind him and he's waving his arms like wings.]

Bob: C'mon Nancy, fly! You can do it!

[Cut back inside. David drops to his knees and raise the pan above his head.]

David: He. . .will. . .kiss. . .the. . .pan!!

[Jill decides to jump. We hear her scream as she falls. Then, splat. Cut back to Bob, who is looking down.]

Bob: Oh Nancy, you cannot fly. Only British people can fly. You shouldn't try to fly and you shouldn't listen to British people.

Ernie Flies

[Bob still in front of the chroma-key screen, waving his arms.]

Bob: C'mon along kids!

[A girl and a boy fly into screen behind him, waving their arms.]

Kids: Wow!

[Music begins. As it plays, cartoon suns, flowers, and balloons fly by them.]

Chorus: [including Bob] There's a world above, come fly with me.
A magical, fantastical, melactical (?), spectacular world.

Bob: [singing] If only you were British you could see!

Chorus: A wonderful-tastic, incredible-lastic, world inside the clouds!

[Gunshot. Bob is shot, and drops out of the screen.]

Mountain Dougie (Part 2)

Shampoo

Cast:

John: Aw, man. Being back in the U.S. is a bummer, man.

David: Yeah, yeah.

John: Bein' in Amsterdam was awesome!

David: Yeah! Fuckin' cheap legal weed, what more do you want?

John: I know. . .where'd you put your stash?

David: [confident] Oh man, check it out--I put it inside baggies and then put baggies inside my shampoo, that way the dogs don't smell it. Full proof plan, I think.

John: Ooh, nice.

David: Yeah, yeah. What'd you do with your stuff?

John: Oh. . .I got it all under control.

Bob: Next.

[David puts his bag on the counter.]

Bob: Passport.

David: Yup.

Bob: Where ya comin' from?

David: [getting nervous] England. I mean, that's where my flight was. . .cuz I missed my other flight. . .but you know, al-al-all over Europe. You know, up and down.

Bob: Up and down?

David: Yeah, you know, up and down, all around. You know, upper places, take a train to lower places, like Italy and then. . .also up, too.

Bob: I see you went to Amsterdam.

David: Amsterdam? Oh, you mean Holland. Oh, yeah yeah, oh yeah. Uh, yeah, I was in uh Italy and I shampooed up to Holland.

Bob: Sorry, you...you what?

David: Took a train.

Bob: You had a Eur-rail pass?

David: Yeah, I had a shampoo. . .pass.

Bob: Okay, do you have anything to declare?

David: [pause] What do you mean?

Bob: Did you purchase anything overseas?

David: Well, yeah. I mean, you know, just stuff I needed. You know, shampoo. Uh, baggies. I mean, you know, baggies for the shampoo. . .to put inside the shampoo. . .to put shampoo inside the baggies, you know so I could have it. . .with me, when I was out and about, you know, tr-travel and uh but tha-th-th-there anything else? No, that was it, just shampoo.

Bob: All right, did you purchase any fruits or vegetables or perishables?

David: Just shampoo. [pause] It's apple-scented, is why I said that. You know, cuz uh uh, does that count? I was wonderin', is an apple a fruit or a vegetable. That's one of the things I've always wanted to know [mumbles] bite into...seed roll...I don't know...with a--

Bob: That doesn't count, sir.

David: Great. Shampoo.

Bob: What?

David: Uh. I just said "shampoo" because uh, it says that on your name tag.

Bob: No it doesn't; my name is Keith.

David: [points to the tag] No, no, it's, there it is.

[Bob looks]

David: Ha ha, caught you lookin'. That's a game. I win.

Bob: Okay, so is this all your luggage.

David: Uh, yeah? No. Wait, I mean, this is all I have. I don't know, sh-should I have more? I mean, you, what's goin' on here? You're askin' me a lot of questions here, you know. I mean, what is this? Some sort of shampoo court? I mean, I don't know. [to the rest of the line] I don't know if you're watchin' this but everybody's seeing this guy's shampooing me. [getting worked up] I mean, you know, last time I checked it was okay to travel around Europe and get as much shampoo as you wanted! You know, *what* happened to my shampoo rights?!

Bob: It's okay, sir. It's all right.

David: Don't try to shampoo a shampooer!!

Bob: It's all right, sir. You can go.

David: [meekly] Sham...poo. [takes his bag and walks away with his head down]

Bob: Next.

[John puts his bag up.]

Bob: Passport. Where ya comin' from.?

John: Uh, I was in Italy, and then I took a balloon up my ass to Spain. [realizes what he's just said.]

Bob: ...All right. You can go. Next.

[John walks away and passes a wanted poster with his picture on it that reads, "Have you seen this man?" He rips it off and walks away. The poster under it has a picture of an ass, which reads, "Have you seen this man's ass?"]

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