Season Three, Show Eight
Opening:
Kedsie Backstage*
[Bob
and David as themselves, and John as a producer-like person.
Tom as Kedzie Matthews, whose wearing a blond wig and a loud
orange and yellow print shirt; he's in the back practicing lines.
David is in a wheelchair with both legs in thigh-high casts.]
Bob:
[signing the cast] Dear David, Congrats on your big break, Love
Bob. [laughs. Then, to David] Hey man, I think we’ve gotta do
this.
David:
Well, I think you’re totally over-reacting.
John:
Guys, it’s not even an argument. This is why you have an understudy--for
situations just like this.
Tom:
David, I can do this. I’m *so* ready.
Bob:
I-I think he’ll be great.
John:
The audience *is* waiting.
David:
Okay, all right.
Bob:
Great. Kedzie, David, you guys have a great show. I’m outta
here. [leaves]
David:
You know Bob, you really should do your errands *before* the
show!
[Cut to overhead shot of the audience as the sound of an orchestra
warming up is heard.]
Jay
V.O.: Tonight, the part of Bob Odenkirk will be played by...Kedzie
Matthews! Winner of the San Diego Red Owl Rye Laff-Quest and
College Comic of the Year, Southwest Region, 1992.
[Opening theme.]
Introduction:
Kedsie Takes Over*
[Bill,
I believe, in a marching band uniform: Hey everybody, it’s that
new fangled Bob and David.]
[David still in wheelchair and Tom still Kedzie Matthews.]
David:
Hi everybody! Hey! I’m David Cross.
Tom:
I’m Bob Odenkirk.
David:
Man, we’ve got a great show tonight, Bob.
Tom:
Oh yeah, oh yeah. We sure do, um, all right, I know what you’re
thinking [points out his shirt]--hey did Steve McGarrett and
Don Ho have a baby? [everyone laughs] What the hell was I thinking?
[everyone laughs again]
David:
That’s great, Kedzie. It’s not exactly in the script, but...[laughs]
Tom:
[walking around like the Hunchback] Oh, I’m sorry I strayed
from the precious script, Master. [everyone laughs] Should I
ring the bell as penance, Master? [everyone laughs again. Tom
grabs a mic.] Bells are weird, huh? [all laugh] Alexander Graham
Bell--what the hell was on his answering machine? "To speak
to the inventor, press 1 now." [all laugh]
David:
Hey! Riff man, riff!!
[Tom goes down into the crowd.]
Tom:
Ah, here I go! Hey, where’d you get this audience? Look at these
people. This is like Dante’s Inferno meets Romper Room. [all
laugh.] I see Weirdo and Freaky and Nerdy and...I don’t even
want to talk to this guy! [all laugh.]
[Cut to a mini-mart. Bob’s shopping. John is the cashier, who’s
watching Mr. Show and laughing hysterically at Kedzie.]
John:
[laughing] Look at that! [laughing]
[Bob notices what’s on the tv.]
Bob:
What the fuck?! [speeds out and races his shopping cart back
to the studio.]
[Cut back to the stage]
Tom:
[holding a microphone stand like a metal-detector.] You see
this guy on the beach at 5:30 am? [makes sounds, all laugh]
$1500 so he can find three nickels. [all laugh]
David:
It’s true!
[Bob enters with cart]
Bob:
What’s going on?!
Tom:
Uh oh! Intruder in Sector 7. Danger alert; danger.
Bob:
I go to the store to get some eggs and you let this guy take
over the show?!
David:
Bob, this guy’s *hilarious.*
Tom:
Who is this guy? The Eggman? Pleased to meet you sir, I’m the
Walrus; how are ya? [all laugh, but Bob] Quick impression: Paul
McCartney sneezing. Coo Coo Coo Cachoo! [all laugh, except Bob]
Mr. Show now comes to you in [holds to eggs up to his eyes]
egg-vision! [all laugh, but Bob]
Bob:
Okay, all right, enough. Enough, alright?
Tom:
[pushing the cart off the stag, veering to the right] You know
what I wanna know? How come you got the cart with the good wheel?
I go to the store, I always get the cart with the wheel--
David:
Right, right!
Tom:
--that wants to go over here...ah ah! [leaves]
Bob:
Jesus, David!
David:
Bob! Bob, everyone loves him! Hey! You’re fired.
[Bob stands in disbelief.]
David:
Hey! You know what? I’m fired, too. I love this guy! Kedzie,
come out here, man!
[He does and the crowd goes wild.]
David:
Hey, go. Free associate! Have a stream-of-consciousness! Do
it!
Tom:
All right. The comedian is being let loose in to the wild to
habitate with the wily audience. It’s like Wild Kingdom around
here! You know what I mean...
[Bob and David back off the stage...and continue talking backstage
as Tom performs and the crowd goes crazy.]
Bob:
This guy sucks!
David:
None of these people seem to think so.
Bob:
I don’t care; I’m funnier than he is.
David:
Oh yeah, if you’re so funny, how come you don’t have your own
show?
Bob:
I did until you fired me! Well, I just don’t think he’s so great.
David:
He makes more money than you do.
[Bob ponders the thought.]
Worthington's
Law Link
Tom
V.O.: That's right, Bob. Listen to your friend, a person
who makes more money than you is better than you, and therefore
beyond criticism. This is called the Worthington Law [which
reads "More Money = Better Than"] and it's used to gauge the
value of human worth. Carl Espick, economist, and editor of
Value Magazine.
Value
Magazine
Cast:
- David
- Carl Espick
- John-
mechanic
David:
Yeah, that's right. So what do you think? Wrong! Whatever you
were gonna say doesn't matter because I make more money than
you. That's if you're 80% of the public. So, I'm right. Each
year, Value Magazine ranks the 500 best people in the history
of the world. Did you know that, according to Worthington's
Law, the opera singer who called himself, [makes air apostrophes]
"The Great Caruso" was nowhere near as great as Sammy Hagar,
The Red Rocker? So shut up, Caruso! Hey! Who's greater than
Saint Francis of Assisi? How about, uh, Darryl Strawberry? See
ya later, Saint Frannie, ya schmuck. Hey, guess who's better
than Van Gogh. Let's see, after adjusting for inflation...[uses
calculator] almost everybody! He made nothing! [shot of John
fixing car]
John:
So that means that I'm better than Van Gogh and Galileo put
together!
[back to David]
David:
And I'm better than you, brainiac. In 1995, Steve Peaters had
no money. He was a public school teacher, so his opinion wasn't
worth very much. But then, in 1996, he won the lottery, and
he was a great man. Greater than Einstein, who made very little.
But then, guess what this genius-for-a-day does. He goes and
gives his money to charity. Now he's about as dumb as Einstein.
Way to go, Einstein. So, read Value Magazine, and get to know
the 500 best people in the world.
Ranking
Monkey Link
[shot of gold Ranking Monkey]
Tom
V.O.: Order now, and with a one year subscription, you'll
get this Value Magazine Ranking Monkey absolutely free. Just
press his head, and learn your worth as a person.
Siamese
Twins
Cast:
- Bob-
Ted
- David-
Ned
- Tom-
John Werster
- Paul-
Keith Dunloe
- John-
doctor
[Bob is wearing a suit, sitting in an office, reading Value
Magazine. Ranking monkey is on his desk.]
[Bob presses Ranking Monkey's head]
Ranking
Monkey: Eek, eek. You are now ranked 741,000,121.
Bob:
[smiles] I'm moving up.
[intercom buzzes]
Bob:
Yes?
Secretary's
voice: Mr. Haversham? Your Siamese-twin brother is here
to see you.
Bob:
[angrily] You mean my EX-Siamese-twin brother. Send him in.
[David enters, wearing short, sweatshirt, carrying gym bag]
David:
Ted. My man!
Bob:
Hey, Ned. Long time no see.
David:
Yeah. Six months.
Bob:
Yup.
David:
Yup...So face it, bro. This little experiment does NOT seem
to be workin' out.
Bob:
It's working for me! I love being separated. I've got my own
office, my own job, my own apartment, my own bed! What?
[David is holding up two pairs of jeans sewn together]
David:
Bro, it's our old pants!
Bob:
Oh, Ned.
David:
Ted, man, don't you remember how mom used to say that we were
attached because God never wanted us to be apart? Remember?
She used to call us, "Two for one." [hugs Bob]
Bob:
Forget it. [pushes David away] There's no way I'm getting re-attached!
David:
Face it, Ted, things aren't as great, you know? I mean, not
since we used to work together, and we used to-
Bob:
No! I worked! You just sat on my ass and did nothing!
David:
Fine. You know you can cut me off, but you can't cut off the
memories.
[Bob ponders; cut to video montage]
[images of Bob on football team while David smokes pot, Bob
returning from war while David protests in "Bush is a Pussy"
t-shirt, Bob exercising while David watches TV]
[cut back to office]
Bob:
I'll be honest with you, Ned. I AM gonna get re-attached.
David:
Oh, that's great!
Bob:
But not to you!
[dramatic music]
Bob:
To John Werster in Marketing.
David:
You bastard!
Bob:
I'm sorry! The last thing I wanted to do was get re-attached
to anybody, but we met at the company picnic during the three-legged
race, and we're perfect together. I'm sorry.
[knock; Tom peeks in]
Tom:
Ted, I--
Bob:
John!
David:
That's him, isn't it?
Tom:
Ted, I need to talk to you.
Bob:
Uh, now's not a good time.
Tom:
It's important, Ted. [Tom walks into office. He is attached
to Paul.] This is Keith Dunloe.
Paul:
Hi.
Bob:
You BASTARD!
David:
What do you say, bro? [offers hip]
[Cut to shot of hospital room. John and Bob in shot]
John:
Mr. Havesham? Mr. Haversham!
Bob:
Doctor, how did it go?
John:
The re-attachment was a success. However, there were complications.
I wish there were an easy way to say this...Your brother died.
[pan out to show David's corpse attached limply to Bob's side]
Bob:
NOOOOOO!
John
[turns to camera] There's got to be a better way!
Tom
V.O.: Do you hate giving bad news? Then why not reach for
the Bad News Breakers?
Bad
News Breakers
Cast:
- John-
Doctor
- Karen-
Mrs. Montgomery
- Dino-
Wanted Man
- Two
girls
[Shot of John as same doctor, Karen in hospital bed]
John:
Mrs. Montgomery? We got your tests back, and-
Karen:
What is it, Dr.?
John:
Girls?
[enter two little girls, music box-type music plays]
Girls:
You'll never walk again.
Karen:
[smiling] Well, thank you for telling me. [to John] They are
darling.
Tom
V.O.: Nobody likes to get or give bad news. But, let's face
it, sometimes you have no choice.
[cut to Bob sitting in armchair]
Girls:
Your wife is cheating on you.
Bob:
Aww...Who wants ice cream?
[cut to hostage situation]
Girls:
We have you surrounded. Come out with your hands up!
[Dino exits house with milk and cookies]
Dino:
Where are they? Where are the little sweetie pies? Where are
you? I've got milk and cookies...Oh, look! There you are! You're
just like I tho--[tackled by S.W.A.T team]
Tom
V.O.: The Bad News Breakers are perfect for any occasion.
[Cut to press conference]
Girls:
There were no survivors.
[cut to firing squad]
Girls:
Ready, aim, fire!
Tom
V.O.: Turn it around, upsey-daisy, with the Bad News Breakers.
Mafia
Mathematicians
Cast:
- Bob-
Don Corelli
- David-
?
- John-
Frankie
- Jay-
Jimmy
- Paul-
Danny
[Italian stereotype gangsters sit around pizza parlor; Bad News
Breakers at the door]
Girls:
Vito Ben Bertucci sleeps with the fishes. [hand dead fish to
Bob]
Bob:
Hey, ain't you two dolls? Run along, now.
Jay:
Hey, what's that boss?
Bob:
Ah, they got Vito.
David:
So, alls I'm sayin' is 24.
John:
What about 24?
David:
That's it. That's the highest number.
John:
24?
David:
That's it. Where're you gonna go from there?
Paul:
Yeah, yeah. 24. Forget about it.
Jay:
That's fongole. What about 18?
John:
Yeah, 18. Now that's the biggest number.
David:
No, 24's the highest number. Look, ya got ten, then ya got ten
more, then it's like, what's this? Four more. 24. Forget about
it.
Paul:
Yeah, but...18.
David:
Look, look. Count with me here, all right? Ya got one, right?
Ok, then ya got two. Then there's three. Oh, then here comes
four.
Bob:
Shut up! Quit your counting! You're a buncha cajoles. I'm trying
to read the damn racing form. 24's the highest number, and that's
it! Let it go.
Paul:
Sorry, boss.
David:
Yeah, sorry.
John:
I am sorry, Don Corelli, that I said 18. I forgot about 19.
And 20. And 21. And 22!
Bob:
Shut up, here! 24's the highest. That's it, all right?
John:
Sorry.
[knock at door; Jay greets delivery boy]
Jay:
Oh, hey, boss, here's them canoles you wanted. It's, uh, 25
dollars.
[gangsters look confused]
Bob:
Here you go. Keep the change, kid. [delivery boy leaves]
Paul:
What did ya give him, boss?
Bob:
Nothin'. It doesn't matter. I gave him 30.
John:
30!
David:
What about 30?
John:
Well, it's higher than 24 by, like, 5 or 6.
Paul:
Yeah...Yeah! 30! Forget about it!
Jay:
Hey, 30? What about 31?
Bob:
Jimmy, you stay the hell outta this and stir that sauce!
Jay:
I'm stirrin'! I'm stirrin'!
Paul:
Well, how about 32?
Bob:
I'm warnin' you!
John:
I just gotta say it, boss: 33.
Bob:
Goddammit! The next one of you fullatos that adds a number to
another number is gonna hear it from my .45!
John:
46 is bigger, boss.
Bob:
What?
John:
46 is all I'm sayin', boss.
Bob:
Frankie, why you do this to me, huh? I'm Godfather to your nephew,
for Christ's sake.
John:
Well, you said 45, and 46 is bigger. It's 1 more!
Bob:
Come here.
Paul:
Hey! 47!
Bob:
[to Paul] I'll deal wit' you in a minute! [to John] Listen,
who's your papazola, eh?
John:
You are, boss!
Bob:
At your wedding, who covered your begenzo, eh?
John:
You did, boss!
Bob:
Yeah! Now, I want you to answer me from here, from your heart.
What's the highest number?
John:
I don't know! I'm so confused anymore! Danny said 47, and I--
Bob:
Danny's dead.
Paul:
I'm right here, boss.
[Bob shoots Paul]
John:
Oh, Jesus, boss! You shot Danny! He was only 49!
[Bob shoots John]
Jay:
Hey! 49!
[Bob shoots Jay]
[David panics, retreats behind counter, comes out hiding behind
picture of Jesus]
David:
Boss! You shot Danny, and Frankie, and Jimmy! Boss, they was
only adding numbers to other numbers! Nobody cares, boss! Nobody
cares! There's a million people out there who...
Bob:
What did you say?
David:
I said there's...24 people out there who don't care.
Bob:
You are my son. [kisses David] Here. [gives David gun] I want
you to go out there and I want you to make sure that everyone
knows that 24's the highest number there is. I don't wanna hear
no more arguments about it nowhere.
David:
Yeah, sure, boss. [leaves]
24
Is Highest Number/Marching Band Link
[cut to various scenes with gangsters enforcing boss's wish]
Very
Old Man: I am 24 years old.
TV
Show Host: Scientists have ascertained that there may as
many as...24 stars in the cosmos.
Nazi:
To say we killed 24 Jews is an exaggeration.
Stadium
Loudspeaker: The answer to tonight's Guess the Attendance
Contest is 24. Another sold-out crowd.
[show footage of marching band]
Philouza
Cast:
- Bob-
John Baptiste Philouza
- David-
Salini
- Jill-
Salini's wife
- John-
President Hanson
- Jay-
Mediocrity
David
V.O.: Ah...Marching band music. [cut to David sitting at
desk, listening to phonograph] Was there ever such a glorious
expression of man's soul? A tempestuous siren who called to
me. But, lo, did I possess the brilliance to tame her? The brilliance
of a John Baptiste Philouza, that impudent boy genius who was
both my mentor...and my tormentor?
[enter Jill, pregnant]
Jill:
Sal? Salini, I think my time is here.
David:
No! You hold that baby in! He needs all nine months to develop
good lungs, and--and fingers. He WILL be a woodwind.
Jill:
The Devil it will!
[David slaps her]
David:
Woman, you WILL bear me a marching band!
Jill:
[in tears] I'm trying!
David:
Bah! All you give me are drummers! [opens door to show room
full of children drumming; also, Mediocrity, who is gone in
an instant] Argh...I'm going to the general store for a phosphate!
[cut to David drinking phosphate at store]
David
V.O.: But bicarbonates and creamed ice were merely a distraction.
I needed a melody. For in two days, Hilford Hanson, the eleventy-twelfth
President of the United States, was to hold a marching bad competition.
[music plays] Suddenly the well springs gushed forth!
[enter Bob, humming melody David is writing down]
Women: Philouza!
Bob:
Oh, hey! Hi, ladies! Hi!
David
V.O.: But, lo, 'twas not from me. Rather it sprang from
that amorous rogue, Philouza.
Bob:
Hey, Sally, what's up?
David:
Philouza, hello. Hello, ladies. What was that melody you were
humming a moment ago?
Bob:
I don't know. Nothin'. Why?
David:
I-uh, wrote it down in case you wanted it.
Bob:
Why would I want that old thing when I could have this? [hums
more elaborate melody]
David
V.O.: John Baptiste Philouza's music revealed a world of
unimaginable beauty. Was this God and the angels conversing?
Or was it the Devil? Or was it God and the Devil...interrupting
each other? [cut to inside apartment. David is spying on Bob
with Mediocrity from the rafters] Alas, I would never be what
he was, for I was haunted all my life by Mediocrity. [falls
from rafters]
Bob:
Hey, Salini. Hey, I decided to apply myself. I entered that
President's-marching-band-song-thing.
[David reads Bob's sheet music]
David:
What ARE you made of, Philouza?
Woman
from Outside: Philouza! Philouza!
Bob:
[out window] Not tonight, Rebecca, for I have work to do!
David:
Oh, come now, Philouza. The lady wants to see you.
Bob:
She wants to see everybody.
David:
Oh, but how can you resist those fine wrists? That bit of neck
that is sort of showing? Those delectably thick pantaloons that
are just under her underskirt?
Bob:
Yeah...Have you a penny?
David:
Well, here's a nickel. Take the whole night. And have some of
that new-fashioned peanut brittle, on me!
[Bob leaves; David is left alone in apartment, "accidentally"
spills ink all over sheet music on his way out]
[cut to Marching Band Song Contest]
John:
Well, Mr. Salini, that was fine. Just fine. Uh, what do you
call it again?
David:
It's called Messiah's Passion Fanfare #4 for tubas and flutes.
John:
Ah, yes. Well, now I look forward to hearing Mr. Philouza's
march...if he should ever show himself.
David:
I'm afraid if we wait any longer, the century will have finished
turning! [no one laughs]
Man:
Look, there's Philouza!
[enter Philouza, disheveled, carrying disorganized stack of
sheet music]
Bob:
I'm sorry I'm late, President Hanson. Much apologies, sir.
John:
A little too much sasporilla? [everyone laughs]
Bob:
Oh...this will never work. [hands out sheet music] These are
all out of order!
David:
What's wrong, Philouza? A few too many of Mr. Graham's crackers?
[again, no one laughs]
John:
Well, Philouza? Come on!
Bob:
Oh, I...[panics, makes up music off top of head, band catches
on, plays "beautiful" melody]
[applause]
Bob:
I just threw it together!
[David wipes tears from his eyes]
David:
Philouza. That was magnificent. You truly are the winner.
John:
Mr. Salini, I believe I'M the eleventy-twelfth President, here.
Mr. Philouza's march was both inspired, and brilliant...too
brilliant. You see, brilliance upsets people. It makes them
feel inferior. Better that they make do with Mr. Salini's blustery
hooplah. The prize is yours.
[Mediocrity rides by on old-time bicycle]
David
V.O.: My dream had come true. But at the cost of knowing
that I was mediocre. And while future generations might discover
Philouza's brilliance and weep at its beauty, I had a specialist
remove my tear ducts, so that I would never again.
Mediocrity
Close
Cast-
- Bob-
himself
- David-
himself
- Tom-
Kedzie
- Mediocrity-
Jay
[all sitting on stage]
Jay:
So you see, fellas, what happens when you choose mediocrity
over originality.
Bob:
So, that's why Kedzie became so popular.
David:
What, 'cause he's mediocre?
Bob:
Yeah.
Jay:
No, no, no! It's because he's hilarious!
Tom:
I love this guy! He's like Bram Stoker's Lincoln. [everyone
but Bob laughs] He's not a person, he's Beatlejuice! [moves
into audience] Hey, you know what pisses me off? You know what
pisses me off? Directions on cans of soup. Do we really need
this? "Empty contents into saucepan." No shit. I was just gonna
open the can and pour it right down my throat. Don't you think
Star Wars would've been better if Popeye the Sailor was in it?
Wouldn't that have been a better movie? [in Popeye voice] "Alls
ya gots ta do is use the force!" Come on! What if Obe Wan Kenobe
was a Jewish Guy? "Use the foreskin, Luke. Use the foreskin."
Why do women take so long to get ready? What the hell is this?
My wife can be in the bathroom for three hours. She comes out,
she looks the same as when she went in. [audience laughs hysterically
throughout]
Credit to Mr. Show, Dakota Films/North Entertainment Inc., and
HBO
Transcribed by Erin Foley
*Transcribed by Trista
Lycosky
go
back to the listings
