Partial
Season Three, Show Nine
Introduction:
Moe Phelps
[John,
dressed as a Kensington Palace guard: Tally ho, it’s Bob and
David!]
David:
Alright!
Bob:
Alright. Well, thank you very much. Uh, we’ve got our very first
one hour special tonight.
David:
Yeah!
Bob:
Yeah!
David:
It’s a tribute to some of the people and places that have made
us what we are today. Places like Coco’s College in Vermont.
[On the large screen next to them, a slide is shown.]
Bob:
And the Saltzburg Academy in Austria...where I learned to whistle!
[Another slide is shown.]
David:
And people like this man, our greatest inspiration, our high
school guidance counselor.
Bob:
Folks, live via satellite, it’s Moe Phelps, everyone!
David:
Moe! Hello!
[Bob, on the screen, plays Mr. Phelps, who’s a beer-bellied,
gray-haired man. He’s sitting at his desk, paying attention
to the guys, but not all that interested...he fumbles with papers,
yawns, and so on during the talk.]
Bob
on Screen: Oh hello Bob and David.
Bob:
Hi Mr. Phelps, we just wanted to say "thank you." You really
made a difference.
David:
Yeah. Hey, I-I don’t know if you remember what you said to us.
When we came to you, we said we wanted to be actors, and-and
you said, [yelling/whining as Mr. Phelps] "Why’s anybody wanna
be an actor for? All--"
Bob
on Screen: "All acting is, is jumping up and down and yelling
and screaming a lot." Yeah, I tell everyone that.
Bob:
Yeah, well it really worked for *us,* man. Cuz, hey look at
us, we got our own show. . .
David:
Yeah!
Bob:
. . .on TV!
Bob
on Screen: Oh, good luck with it, maybe you’ll catch a break.
David:
Well. . .No, we don’t need a break, sir. We’ve got our own show.
Bob
on Screen: Well, maybe it will lead to something.
Bob:
It already *did.*
David:
Yeah, we’re on TV. This is our TV show.
Bob
on Screen: Consider it a stepping stone to somethin’ worthwhile
then.
David:
What do you mean?!
Bob:
This is what we *want* to be doing, what we’re doing *now.*
Bob
on Screen: Well, maybe you should keep it as a hobby.
[Bob and David through a temper tantrum and stomp around.]
Bob:
Ah!!
David:
You don’t understand!
[Bob (Mr. Phelps) takes notices, and whips his glasses off in
acknowledgment.]
Bob
on Screen: Boys, that is some of the finest acting that
I have ever seen. If I had anything to do with it, I’m proud.
[Bob turns to David and shrugs.]
Happy
Janitor
Local
World News
Cast:
- Bob-
Brandt Waterman
- David-
Jazz Witherspoon and Daniel Smith
- Jay-
Carl Bellflower
Tom
V.O.: You’re watching Local World News -- local news from
around the world. And now, here’s your anchorman, Brandt Waterman.
Bob:
Hello. I’m Brandt Waterman. We have an update on tonight’s top
story. Jazz Witherspoon, our field reporter is on the scene
in Hamilton, Ontario. Jaaaazz.
[The story’s entitled "Button Glut"]
David:
Yes, Brandt. I’m standing outside this humble home in Hamilton,
Ontario, where a man who calls himself "The Button Man" resides.
[Display of Paul in a shirt covered with buttons] Art Keeslan
has over thirty-thousand buttons in his private collection.
He is a man we can truly call "A Button Collector." Those are
the latest facts, Brandt; I’ll keep you updated on any new developments
as they occur.
[David starts to walk out of frame, but comes back when called.]
Bob:
Jazz, does the button man plan to continue collecting buttons?
David:
No official word on that. But the feeling on the street is that
this is far from over.
[This time David stays still.]
Bob:
Well, we certainly wish him the very best. Later tonight, we’ll
have an update from the war-torn Gaza Strip...where Betty McFee
will tell us all about Tripper, the counting dog. And, we’ll
met a man who makes art out of garbage. In a few moments, though,
a lighter side to tonight’s news. But first, a fluffy marshmallow
shaped like a bunny was found today in-- Oh, I’m getting more
breaking news. What a news day this has turning out to be. It
seems a local boy is making good, as we speak. Carl Bellflower
has the story. Carl.
Jay:
[singing] Rock a’bye your baby [speaking] Hi, I’m Carl Bellflower,
the singing news reporter. [That's "Singing" "News" Reporter]
Daniel Smith, valedictorian- La Flant High, and top of his class-
Harvard Law School, is being considered for a job at this prestigious
law firm. Oh there he is now. Daniel.
[David hears he’s being called and turns around. He nods at
the only man he sees; he doesn’t notice Jay.]
Jay:
Daniel!
[David looks again, but Jay quickly turns around and acts nonchalantly.
When David gives up and walk inside the building, Jay looks
pleased.]
[No Transition. David just walks into the office.]
Blowjob
Cast:
- Bob-
Kennard Chamberlin and member of Titannica
- David-
Daniel Smith
- John-
Francis Damon
- Tom-
John Hamlinson
- Paul-
doctor
- Brian-
patient
- Jay-
priest
- Sarah-
hooker
John:
Mr. Smith, welcome. I’m Francis Damon, executive partner. This
is John Hamlinson, managing associate. And, of course, Kennard
Chamberlin, the senior member of the firm.
David:
Hello.
Tom:
Sit down, sit down. I trust your flight was alright?
David:
Yes, sir. It was great.
John:
Daniel? You were one of the top in your class at Harvard--
David:
*The* top in my class, sir.
John:
That’s why you’re here.
Bob:
Dan? We like to think of this firm as a big family.
Tom:
We’d like you to be part of our family.
David:
Well, thank you, sir. Thank you.
Bob:
Our offer. [passes an envelope over] I think that you’ll find
that it far exceeds any of your other offers.
Tom:
Dan, as a member of this firm, you’ll be one of the elite. A
life of privilege will be yours.
Bob:
Dan? We would like *you* to give us a blow job.
John:
We would be very proud to have you give us a blow job.
Tom:
You are our man.
David:
[long pause] A b-blow, a blow job?
John:
You’ll have a very bright future.
Bob:
Country club membership, a house in Glen Ross Estates just across
the way from me, a brand new Mercedes--you pick the color.
David:
I’m-I’m sorry. A-a blow job??
Bob:
Dan? Look out that window. Ninety lawyers work at this firm;
most of ‘em come to work, never make more than $45,000 in a
year. You would be in the top two percent in the country.
Tom:
--And that’s just in the first year. I'm sorry, Kennard, continue.
David:
I-I-I-I’m sorry. I-I-It’s...uh, okay, um, it’s the blow job.
Uh, I’m a lawyer.
Tom:
And we’re one of the largest law firms in the country, yeah.
Bob:
Dan, you would have a beautiful house, in a growing community,
I know you wanna have childr--
David:
O-okay...please...sir. I feel very privileged to be meeting
with you. But, I-I don’t know--
Bob:
Alright, hold on, Dan. Gentlemen, if I could?
[Bob walks to the front of the set, clicks his tongue and waits
for David. David catches on that Bob wants to talk one-on-one,
and gets up and goes to him.]
Bob:
Dan, I went to school with your father.
[David nods, clueless.]
Bob:
Okay, maybe we’re hitting you with a lot of things here. Let
me try to explain--we want a really good blow job, one worthy
of your caliber.
David:
But-but I--
Bob:
Talk to your wife, take some time to think about it.
John:
Not *too* long.
[Bob, John, and Tom laugh. David’s still clueless.]
David:
I-I was the f-first in my class.
Bob:
Uh-huh.
David:
In *law.* I was the first in my class in *law.*
Bob:
Well, it should be a very good blow job then. We will await
your answer.
David:
Well, you don’t have to wait, because the answer is "no." Okay,
s-so you can keep your homes and your country clubs and your
blow jobs...because I’m gonna be the best damn lawyer in this
country! And, I’m gonna go to court and I’m gonna argue every
case I can against you and your fat cat clients! *And,* I’m
gonna win!
[Bob, John, and Tom laugh, humoring him.]
Tom:
Oh my.
David:
What? What?
Bob:
Do you really believe that course cases are decided by juries
making decisions based on evidence and lawyers’ arguments?
Tom:
Oh Danny, how could you be so naive?
Bob:
Dan, court cases are decided by a series of blow jobs. In fact,
our entire civilization is built on blow jobs. Everything from
medicine--
[Cut to Paul and Brian in examination room.]
Brian:
A blow job??
Paul:
Oh come on, George, surely you don’t believe that people get
well through treatment with medicine or surgery, do you?
Bob
V.O.: To religion--
[Cut to Jay in confessional.]
Jay:
Come on, you don’t really believe that your sins will be forgiven
by saying some prays and doing a few good works, do you?
Bob
V.O.: To prostitution--
[Cut to Bob and Sarah on the street.]
Bob:
So, I have to give you--
Sarah:
You don’t really believe that I just give *you* a blow job in
exchange for some money, do you?
Bob:
Yeah...
Titanica
Pre-Taped
Call-In Show
[David
is the host of the show. His image is sloppy--he’s wearing a
suit, but the tie is loose. His hair, what he has left, is messy.
He talks as if he drank too much coffee and is just trying to
remain calm. Also behind the desk is an old man, ready to answer
questions.]
David:
Rock lyrics: do they influence our kids? Our topic in two weeks.
But tonight--the elderly. Good evening and welcome to the Pre-Taped
Call-In Show, where we tape all our shows a week in advance.
I’m your host Ken Doral. . .and uh. . .let’s try it again. It’s
really not that hard. Okay? Our topic once again. . .is the
elderly. We’re, we’re taping it now and it airs next week, okay?
So, if you’re watching me talk about the elderly, don’t call
to talk about it; it’s too late. Instead, call about cooking,
which is next week’s topic. Okay? If you wanted to talk about
the elderly, you should have called last week when our pet care
show was airing, but we were *taping* the elderly show. [hesitating
to put the call on the air] Okay. Here we go. Hello.
Tom:
[on phone-line] Hi Ken, great show.
David:
Thank you. What can I do for you?
Tom:
Uh, my dog has a disobedience problem and--
David:
[hangs up on him] Okay, okay. Th-there ya go. [laughs, as does
the old man] Okay, that’s boo-boo number one. Hopefully that’ll
be out last. ‘K, uh, look if you wanted to talk about pet care,
you should’ve called two weeks ago when our show on racism was
airing. Okay? I’m doing a show about the elderly. . .right now.
. .which, of course, for you people watching means call in about
cooking. Okay. We’ll see if we can-- [patches caller through]
Hello.
Paul:
[on the phone] Yeah, hi. Uh, what’s goin’ on? I mean, you’re
doing a show about pet care, but everybody’s talking about racism,
I don’t--
David:
[hangs up on him] No! No! Okay, no, no, no! No, I’m not doing
a show about pet care, I’m doing a show about the elderly. The
people calling about racism are watching the show that aired
while we were taping the pet show, which is airing now. Okay?
If they wanted to talk about racism, they should’ve called three
weeks ago when our crime in the streets show aired. ‘K? It’s.
. .just. . .let’s. . .think before we. . . [is very hesitant
to answer another call] Alright. Okay. Here we go. [finally
answers] Hello?
Bob:
[on the phone] Yes, I’d like to talk about my grandma.
David:
Oh. Alright. Yeah. Ha ha. Okay. Good.
Bob:
Okay, well, she has this cat that’s keeping her up at night
and uh--
David:
Well, sir-sir, can I-can I just say that-that-that-that difficulty
with sleeping is a common problem with-with the elderly of today.
[The old man nods in agreement.]
Bob:
Yeah, but I really think the cat is more the problem.
David:
No.
Bob:
I mean, the cat’s rambunctious and--
David:
No, obviously your elderly grandmother is the problem, because
*that’s* what this week’s show is about!
Bob:
Yeah, but I’m watching the show right now and--
David:
Idiot!! It’s simple!! Look at this!! [turns the monitor to the
screen] This is what’s airing right now! The pet care--
[Camera zooms in fully on this week’s show. David had a little
more hair last week.]
David:
[from the pet care show] Stop calling about racism!! We did
that a week ago!! Look! Here!
[Shows the monitor of the racism show airing. David had even
more hair, was neater in appearance, and his demeanor was more
relaxed. Camera zooms in all the way.]
David:
[from the racism show] This is the last time. . .Crime in the
streets happened *last* week. [now excited] Everything I’m saying
happened last week! Look here!
[Show the monitor of the crime in the streets show. David has
a full head of hair, neatly dressed, and is totally at ease.]
David:
[from the crime in the streets show] And that concludes our
first show, crime in the streets. I can’t help but think it
would’ve gone a little better had somebody actually called in,
but I guess that’s because you won’t see me until next week.
Oh well. As soon as we get the kinks worked out here, I’m sure
it’s gonna be a great, great show.
Convoluted
Network Logo/Announcer Link
[Music
plays out the Pre-Taped Call-In Show and the station logo’s
displayed.]
Tom V.O.: Thank you for watching The Convoluted Network.
And now the second half of the premier of "The Return of the
Curse of the Creature’s Ghost," already in progress.
The
Return of the Curse of the Creature's Ghost
[Suspenseful
music. David, Bob, Paul (in safari hat), Tom, John (as a middle
aged woman), and a woman who I thought was, but isn’t, Heather
Morgan are in a darkened house. There’s a storm raging outside,
and there’s a dead man lying on the floor.]
David:
He’s dead. This is it. My friends, I’m afraid this is the return
of the curse of the creature’s ghost.
John:
But how must we stop this creature?!
Bob:
It’s not the creature we have to be afraid of ma’am, it’s the
creature’s ghost.
David:
I think we should be worried more about the return of the curse.
[Suspenseful music and thunderclap.]
Woman:
Curse of the creature?
Paul:
Curse of the ghost!
[Banging sound]
John:
Oh! The ghost has returned with the creature’s curse!
Tom:
So, the creature put a curse on the ghost!
[Banging sound]
Bob:
Please everyone, we must know what it is we’re supposed to afraid
of.
[Transition:
Suspenseful music plays. All of them gather together, and freeze.
Their frozen positions fade into Brian’s shirt and into the
next scene.]
Chip
on Your Shoulder Club*
Cast:
- Bob-
Teacher
- David-
Steve
- Jay-
Tom
- Brian,
Sarah, Karen- unnamed slacker kids
[camera
pans out from Brian's shirt closing previous skit]
[setting: a high school classroom]
Jay:
It's a dumb shirt.
Karen:
It's a gay movie.
Brian:
Yeah well I'm wearin' it 'cause I hate it.
[Jay and Karen nod]
Jay:
That's cool, man.
Brian:
Cool.
Bob:
Okay, is everybody here? Well let's get started then with the
president's address. Steve?
David:
[hesitating] I'm the *great president* Steve. Alright. [clears
throat] Extracurricular clubs. Extracurricular clubs are very
popular among many dumbshits. Chess Club, ...French Club, Computer
Club are all gay, so why shouldn't we have a club, just cause
we're not interested in anything? ..People are dicks. You know?
This is a stupid club but, you know, at least it's our stupid
club, so.., you know, it's less stupid than the other clubs.
An-and also, it's not gay.
Bob:
Okay, very good, any opening comments?
Jay:
[farting sound]
Bob:
Okay.. Sarah, you're taking notes?
Sarah:
[disgusted] No!
Bob:
Alright... Any other thoughts?
Brian:
Yeah, why does Steve get to be president and how come I can't
be president?
Bob:
Do you wanna be president?
Brian:
No..
Bob:
Great. Good.. Okay let's get down to bees wax. Our senior field
trip. Now this is the last time we get to spend together so
let's make it special. Now first we have to choose a place we
might go, any suggestions?
David:
Nowhere!
[laughter]
Bob:
Okay, well, alright.. [writes "NOWHERE" on chalkboard] Well
we *did* go there last year...
David:
*You* went there.
Bob:
Well that's right Steve, 'cause I was the only one who showed
up. Any, anybody else?
Jay:
[farting sound]
Bob:
Alright, now we're talking, very good.. [writes "BRAAP!" on
chalkboard] Uh, any other thoughts?
David:
Umm... How 'bout.. up your mother's ass?
Bob:
'K, what does everyone think of that?
Brian:
Whatever.
Sarah:
Whatever!
Bob:
Okay, some interest there, very good.. [writes "MY MOM'S ASS"
on chalkboard] My, mom's..... ass.. Okay. Now let *me* suggest
one, alright? The Henry Ford museum in Detroit. [writes "HENRY
FORD" on chalkboard] I have always wanted to go there--
Brian:
Why *don't* you?
Bob:
Well.. we'll take a vote and maybe I'll *get* to. Alright. Very
good. Okay. Now, to decide, we'll have, a little, discussion,
shall we? First of all, "nowhere". Okay, well, we went there
last year so let's kinda skip that. [crosses out "NOWHERE"]
Okay, alright uh, Tom's fart. Who likes that? [Jay raises his
hand] Of course you do Tom, you suggested it. [crosses out "BRAAP!",
hesitates over "MY MOM'S ASS", skips to "HENRY FORD"] ....Alright.
Now umm.. okay, the Henry Ford museum. Let me say a little something
about this. Now *this* is really where America really came into
its own. To think that this man, this *Henry Ford*, through
sheer industriousness, built an empire, I think we'd *all* find
it quite humbling. Heh heh.
David:
Um.. it sounds gay to *me*.
Bob:
Well yeah... it is a *little* gay. ..No takers? Okay. [crosses
out "HENRY FORD"] My uh, my mother's ass now, can anyone tell
me what would be uh, *fun* or *great* or *educational* about
this?
Sarah:
Uh, it would be a great way to.. learn how to have fun up inside
your mom's ass..?
Bob:
Should we take a vote?
Brian:
No.
Bob:
Well we can't really decide if we don't vote.
Brian:
So what?!
Bob:
"So what". You know when I suggested this club the principal
said "so what". Some of your parents said "so what"..one of
them said "see if I care". But I said *unh-unh!*. If someone
will just take those kids seriously, they'll change. And you
know what they said?
Jay:
[farting sound]
Bob:
That's right, Tom. Well I'll tell you something. You *didn't*
change. But you changed *me*. That's right. You taught me that
not everything is stupid. Some things are gay. And I thank you
for that. I guess what I'm trying to say is: pack your bags,
gang, we're going up my mom's ass.
Up
Your Mother's Ass*
[cut to scene of them all getting on a bus]
Bob:
Come on, step right in, it'll be fun! C'mon, jump in, you're
gonna love it.
[various stills of the class and Bob meeting his mom, putting
on hard hats, his mom bending over, them inside the ass which
looks like a museum, set to music & David singing]
David:
Dear mister teacher
You crawled up inside my head
And I can't remember everything you said
You taught me so much
But a lot of it was geometry
Remember that time, when that bee flew in?
Ooh, teacher,
Shakin' that teacher now shake it, shake it, shake it up
Now teacher, shake it
Shake your booty now, shake it
C'mon now shake it up!
Out on the dance floor
You're the king of the dance floor you're gonna be a disco star
Light the night on fire! Burn that disco ghost, yeah...
C'mon, burn that disco ghost down
Burn that disco DOWN!!!
Burn that disco ghost to the ground
Mister teacher *Phelps*!
[Transition: As the song finishes, the presentation of stills
switches to live action on the stage.]
Moe
Phelps' Play*
[Bob,
as the older 'Mr. Phelps,' is on stage with 'class']
David:
That's for you Mr. Phelps. That's for you, man.
Bob:
Well thank you very much, David. This has been one of the most
wonderful hours of my life.
David:
Cool.
Bob:
And maybe someday you'll get to sing that on the tv.
David:
Jesus Christ... [walks offstage]
John:
Mr. Phelps, we're all actors. And-
Bob:
Well I'm sorry to hear about it, John.
John:
Well it is hard being an actor but-
Bob:
What's so *hard* about it? I've seen actors in plays before,
it's stupid! Everybody says Shakespeare's so great. Well how
come nobody's ever heard of him. Hell I'll write 'cha a play!
[pulls out king props] All you need is a silly old king's hat,
and some fancy sissy clothes out of your sister's drawers, and
ya get up on the stage, and ya go nuts. [goes over to a castle
set, whining, stomping and waving arms] I'm the king! I'm mad!
I want the news from my kingdom! Help me out here gang!
[Woman comes down stairs]
Woman:
I'm the queen! Blah blah blah! Look at me!
Bob:
Excellent! Now you're getting it!
Tom:
Your majesty, I'm a clown or something.. I've got makeup on
my face, 'cause my mommy and daddy didn't give me enough attention!
Bob:
Excellent, Tom!
Paul:
I'm a big actor! Look at the great big actor on the stage! I
yell the loudest! Look at me!
Bob:
Excellent job.
David:
Oh mighty king! We are your sons! We're loud, *stupid* actors
and we're gonna have a *big dumb* sword fight, in your honor!
All:
We are a *collection* of *screaming* jackasses!
Bob:
Let the loud screaming sword fight begin!
[credits and music roll over loud screaming sword fight.]
Credit to Mr. Show, Dakota Films/North Entertainment Inc., and
HBO
Transcribed by Trista
Lycosky
*Transcribed by Sarah
Newhouse
go
back to the listings
